title-less

another year has passed. 2009 is gone. and it's 2010 already.

though it may sound depressing, but i don't have much to look forward to in 2010. one of my bestie is leaving sg, don't even know when he'll be back. school is getting tougher, and the fact that 2010 is already here, it only means my exam is approaching. and i don't see my family ties/issues improving in this year.

especially the fact that i'm hitting 21 this year, it just doesn't seem like a very appealing year. when i was a kid, i used to think i'll be damn excited abt being 21. all the liberties.. and that my mum will treat me better.. but as i hit 20 and is approaching 21, i don't see any of that happening.

lately, mel keep saying that i'm very mature. the thing i say.. they're very mature. she's envious of it. but i don't think it's something to be envious about. i'd been mature in thinking since i was a kid. i always had a mind of someone older than my age. for instance, in sec sch, when all the girls go crazy about idols, guys, and they bitch, etc. somehow i view it as something super childish and immature. even when i go crazy about a guy, i kept it low, quite, and sometimes not even my friends know. never had idols cos they seem stupid to be idolised. bitching around with a bunch of girls, giggling away - always thought that's super throw-face. having a mature mind ain't a good thing at all. one should have their mind grow as they age, and their mind should think the way their age should. my too mature mind caused me too much pain.

well.. i'm with jiyang for almost 1.5yrs now. i do hope we'll continue to be steady in this r/s. i don't want too much things to go wrong in this year. i just purely want to work hard for my studies and for my internship and pave a road for my career.

2010.

why are you here so fast?

slacking in starbucks when i shud be muggin

bleah. my body is protesting! mentally im nt as stressed as i was a wk ago. But my body is still protesting. blah. quite alot of hair loss, la du zi almost everyday (dunno how to spell the eng word for this), smaller appetite, etc. rarrrrr. i think it wasn't even this bad during my a lvls.

soooo good to have andre back in sg. well, my bf may be jealous. =x but it feels good to have one of my bestie back. but he keep warning me not to get too close. cos he'll leave in aug next yr ): sians. but it makes me feel good to see yet another friend become a closer friend because he/she is even more willing to "open" up to me now. i like people (i care) to open up to me. to confide in me =)

grrr. have to get back to ibm nowwwww ):

I need air.

I feel very stressed.

I feel sad.

I feel hurt.

I feel lonely.

And there's no way to make me feel better.

I tried taking a day off books.

Just playing pangya, then going out with my family in the last afternoon.

But it doesn't help.

I'd been feeling quite short of breath these few days.

Feeling like my chest is very clamped up and tight.

I tried deep breathing alot of time but it didn't help.

When we went out today, the crowd at the warehouse sales just made me feel worse.

Even at a 40% full pizza hut, i feel very cramped up eating with my family.

This is what I think.

My school work load isn't the only thing making me stressed.

My family is as well.

Since the cold war, I haven't been having a very supportive family at home.

No more warm-loving family i once had.

It's not that i regret starting the cold war - that did make my daily life easier.

But it frozen the relationship between me and my parents, and me and my family.

And dear hasn't been in the best of mood for very longggg.

In general, it's been since the honeymoon period is over?

Every morning, to go to school with a sulky face (from lack of sleep or bad morning), it's not the best experience in the world.

I tried lightening things up.

(Not just with my dear) I tried playing down my moodiness, so i could cheer up everyone around me and hope that their smile would infect me too.

But nobody appreciates it.

You (all) may say I don't have to do that.

But I want to.

I'd rather do something than to suffer the long, sulky, sad face.

Cos what you're feeling affect me alot.

It pulls down my mood even more.

Going to gym with Mel tomorrow.

Hope that a little exercise could solve my shortness of breath problem.

It just made me realise.

When I was in dragonboat, when exercise was a routine, I didn't notice how good i feel after every training.

Yes I felt tired.

But i forgot the refreshed feeling.

The feeling that I've accomplished something.

But the washing up, and washing my clothes after that is super troublesome.

4 holes

well. since the last time i posted, i feel like i did alot of "great leaps".

for those who don't understand. The Great Leap is refering to that period of time in china, where mao ze dong wanted to do some (extreme) reforms to make china into a communist country. and he believed that it will make china better. thus the name The Great Leap. haha. learnt this from history in sec sch.

ANYWAYS! my great leap wasn't so great to that degree. haha. i did two things which i never thought i'd do. EVER.

NUMBER 1. Wear a bikini

NUMBER 2. Pluck out all 4 wisdom tooth. at the same time.

last sunday went sentosa with mel, ade and xiu. they're the BEST companions anyone could ask for. totally supportive. haha. they were the reason i dared to put on a bikini. it was a wonderful experience. havent felt so "free" and "released" in quite awhile.

and yesterday i just pluck out my 4 wisdom tooth at one go. i wasn't scared. UNTIL. the dentist gave me my injection. then from then on, i was trembling SOOO hard that the whole dental chair shook. the first tooth they started was the worst one. even with ALOT of injection, i still felt pain. apparently that area there was some tissue infection. as for the other 3 tooth. i felt almost nothing (besides the pressure of the nudging). then i had my dear take super good care of me all the way till im home.

my darling's the best.

and after the numbness subside. i couldn't sleep from the pain. forced myself to drink some milk (not supposed to drink anything hot or warm cos it'll make my gum bleed) before i take my painkillers (cos there were extra strong). then i puke from having a cold milk in my empty stomach.

anyways. i'm good now. hardly any pain. hardly any bleeding. just having trouble eating. haha. good also la. can slim down ;p

well...

this may seem "wrong", but i miss andre. haha. not for all the wrong reasons. just simply cos there's no one for me to complain or whine or "beat up". haha. where has my dog gone???

life's at home been abit on the tenterhooks, and yet abit on the peaceful side. been avoiding contact with mum and avoid telling her stuff. but sometimes i forgot. once i mention anything that concerns me and does not concern dinner/lunch/my presence at home, she will ignore. well it gets annoying at times though. but then again. AVOIDING = NO QUARREL = PEACE.

im in a state where i'm:

- on the verge of crumbling from stress

- feeling quite pent up

- a little bit lonely

- a little bit sad

- and a little tired.

what do i need?

perhaps a day of breathing in sea breeze.

HMMM...

RAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

reminise

time doesn't heal wounds. it only teaches us how to deal with them.

the hurt we did to each other could not be reversed.

nor could it be something that could be simply "forgiven" and "forgotten".

i guess part of growing up is learning how to deal with these hurts.

and i think our status now, though not the most ideal, it's the best.

we're not strangers, yet we're not the best of friends.

sometimes i've asked myself, would i rather have NEVER told you about my feelings?

there are of course times i would say a definite "yes".

but knowing my character, i know i would never give up the thought and hope that it would work out.

so at times, i don't regret my actions at all.

i think if i hadn't tell you then, i wouldn't have learnt so much, i wouldn't treasure what i have now.

and i would definitely have the nagging "want", to "try". haha.

at times, i really am amazed at myself.

i've braved through such storms and such extreme situations.

i think im quite amazing. haha.

ARGH

what the hell is wrong?

you've been torturing me. 2 wks of "isolation".

i cant claim u dun love me anymore cos on certain HOURS (note that i din use DAYS) ur mood is better, u treat me as the same.

but yet i did nothing to deserve this.

i had to bear the brunt of ur morning (negative) mood and that is because u gamed till very late the night before.

when something (nothing to do with me) goes wrong, im ok with u ranting to me. but why treat me as though i was the cause of ur irritatedness?

money was one prob i admit that i had something to do with. but other than that i dunno wad's wrong?!

is it wrong of me to nag/make u go sch and miss ur slp in the process? in the 1st place ur lack of slp is bcos of u, nt me. and u shud be old enough to control. u noe u have clz and u shud hav slept earlier. then wen u dun get enough slp, u give me ur mood swings shit.

have i been too nice to u to have tolerated all those until now, such that u forgot i have tolerance level too?

every day u cause a stab in my heart. it hurts u noe. and my heart feels like it has no space to beat. when can u be back to ur normal self?

2012 - a time of hope or despair?

apec's gone for a week. and after that, im down with a flu -.- hateeeeee it. this is one of the worse flu. suffered it for 2 days. and now my nose is blocked with thick gross mucus. -.-

going soci lecture alone later. the rest going for the wed nite one. nah wed nite will end too late, and i most prob will cab home, which means another bomb in my pocket. no no. cannot. now already gt a big hole le. cannot make it bigger.

this soci lecturer is such a waste of our money. basically all our soci lects in our sch SUCKS. but i think this one is the worst. his notes is practically the SAME as our subject guide (from london). and he teaches from the word file of his notes that he printed for us! why are we paying 1000++ for such a sucky teacher who is so lazy to the extend of not coming up with his own notes? if he teaches well, i wud have kept my mouth shut. but he doesn't! he basically made things even more confusing! my friends are getting increasingly confused by him i tell u. -.- i am going to write in a complain to the school. 1000++ is no shit ok.

watched the movie 2012 last wk. a really superb movie. EVERYONE should watch it. looking from the geographical perspective, i thought of the possibility that the movie may be true. it may be, but not to such devastaing extent i think. i was watching history channel's Nostradamus 2012, well part of the movie may be right, the part about galactical alignment causing earth's magnetic force to change/shift. but i think 2012 is more than just the physical change. i think it's way more than that.

well if the earth could suffer another ice age so that we could start all over again from scratch, i wouldn't mind earth destroying us human beings. i think we made enough mistakes in our lifetime. and i hope we get a chance for a new start. look at all the global warming, etc. it's all our doing. we should embrace mother nature more than we are now. but it's the way human have evolved over the years, that results in such tragedy we see today. economic crisis, political upheaval, social disorder, etc. i think we're a screwed up human race. haha.

after the movie, told dear that i want to spend EVERYDAY in dec on 2012 with him, he was like NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! hahahaaaa. ;p

im having a financial crisis. and im beginning to drag my dear down with me. =x i need more $$, but i dun have the time to work for it. =x i can barely struggle with my current workload. =x

apec first hand exp

been having some nightmares lately.

fri night dreamt that someone told me the date i was going to die. and its very soon. i cried in my sleep.

sat night in my dream i dreamt my family was cursed, and my brother and mother ended up dead, with the rest of us still being haunted and cursed.

am i just too stressed? =x

yesterday was my first shift doing voluntary work for apec at the airport. was stationed at the baggage area at terminal 2. well it was rather boring cos not many delegates came through. but ah wells. i met two interesting guys. haha. they were my teammates la. aka partners. one was galvin bay, and according to the other guy (whom i could oni rmb his nam being YI "something", cant rmb his name dunno y) he is a top player in sg gaming scene. and we realise he quite a smart ass too!

then the other guy (whom i cant rmb his name) is quite an interesting person. hahs. got along very well with him. well if not for him i guess i would have died of boredom. haha. but somehow ah, even though we got along super well, i couldnt see him being a good/best/boy friend. haha. weird. but yea. both guys i met are weird ppl. haha.

bt i must say, we were very well taken care of by the apec peeps. in the ops room we have tonns of cookies (jacobs, oreos, etc) and packets of instant hot drinks (green tea, yellow tea, coffee, milk tea, cereal, etc). haha. and when we don't have flights to welcome, we could go back there to rest. luckily for us, the ops room is in the same terminal as our station. ;p a benefit!

but damn it. my 70+ shoes hurt like shit. damnit. felt like i was conned. well it IS leather. but it keeps shrinking! hurts my toes like hell! rarrr.

will be down on tues again for my next shift. haha. hope i get to see more delgates. blah.

BEAMS WITH DELIGHT!

i feel like a good girl!

this is what i have been doing, and which i did not do last yr.

- finish 2 assignments within a week, spending a wkend on the soci and rushing thru the night for mm.

- making the effort to try revise consistently, though my pace is slow.

- finally fully utilising fulcher and scott to deeply understand soci.

- understood alot of concepts!

i feel proud of myself!

but all these are at the expense of my rest. but ah wells. heck. last yr i keep wanting to rest all the time. end up i rested too much and grew lazy.

i want a treat! =D

i don't deserve this.

what is this??? treat me as an invisible? a moment ago you can talk to me as per normal. then the next moment you treated me as though i did something to piss you off! what is this?! im not your punching bag ok.

at work you say you HATE to see ppl's black face. very hard to do work. has it ever occured to you that we feel the same too? i rmb when we were young, you once told us to treat people the way you want them to treat you. but you see. what you're experiencing at work is simply what WE experience at home! everybody at home has to tread lightly, for fear of triggering off your switch. but for me, even if i GLIDE, i still triggered your switch!

i think you enjoy the attention huh. when you ignore me/us, you know we'll keep looking at you, observing your body language to see when you'll talk to us. but i had enough. you enjoy such attention? go ahead. im not going to give you anymore of such attention. you're acting like a KID.

you're definitely having geng nian qi. you were already bad enough. and these days, you were worse. you need medication. if you don't control soon, you will lose me.

sick or excuse?

Has anyone wondered why are there so many medical terms for illnesses? They are all so technical and the names of those illness cover almost any kind of physical symptoms for a human being. I really start to wonder the purpose of naming these "illnesses", even to give them such complicated names!

I was watching the interview with Ris Low (about the stolen credit card, etc), when all these thoughts hit me. Then a very simple explanation came to mind: these medical terms were simply excuses for people who'd caused/created problems and need a professional way of getting out of the mess. Look around us. Everyone has something wrong with them. I once read something about depression from a book. In the past, these people were merely seen as very pessimistic, sad, or even mentally ill. But now, we coined the term "depression" for these people.

Now that caught me thinking the same thought Ris Low's interview made me think. We all need a reason for our behaviour/physical appearance that is not the ordinary. Especially when this "abnormality" created problems for us, regardless if it's major or minor problems, we need an easy reason to get out of the mess. Criminals often visit the doctor before they are charged, especially for serious crimes, to find out if there's anything wrong with them. If such a medical reason is found, their punishment will be reduced.

Now this brings us to another controversy. Do these people deserve our pity just because they have a sickness? But if we don't pity them, then what about those people with genuinely serious medical problems (eg. insanity)? Do we become desansitised, and numbed to the feeling of empathy? This is yet another turn round the wheel, where we get no answers.

none.

i can bet.

no one reads all these except me.

i invited two people into this blog only.

the only two people i care.

and the only two people i wish would care too.

but it seems no one does.

nobody leave me comments.

and my dear even forgot this blog's existence.

here i am.

me and me alone.

it's just like screaming into an empty room,

only to hear your own echoe.

out of breath

i feel a little, restricted, suffocated.

i need to be weary of everything i said, everything i do.

because the way i'd grown used to treating you, you feel like im treating you like a kid.

in my eyes i only see it that im treating you this way as a way of me showing you my love.

but now that you don't like it.

now that u grew so sensitive to it.

i have to watch my words and my behaviour.

one wrong step, i'll upset you again.

why.

why does it have to be like this?

i don't treat you like a kid.

i respect you.

its just..

its just me. its just the way i am.

don't you see, when im with my friends, im like this too.

it's my nature, my character, to be motherly-like.

people say im naggy, etc.

but basically im just motherly-like.

im so not used to behaving like this.

i can try getting used to giving way to you, to ignore some things that may spark off arguments,

i can try telling white lies.

but to try change the way i treat you is like changing the way i show you my love.

without this, i don't know how to show that i love you.

white lie for happiness

Goat says:

-haven go out for lunch yetz

-mama slping

-u chasing wht neh

Ariel says:

-ooh hello darlinh

-wah mama so tired ah

-hahs

-i chasing alot of things ah ^^

-studies for eg. ^^

Goat says:

-dnt have me rite

Ariel says:

-dunt tink so much!

-hahaha. finally gt e chance to say dat to u

-muahahaa

-and u're out of wad neh?

i lied. i hope you'll forgive me if you ever find out.

i finally understood what a white lie meant.

if lying could avoid more quarrels, avoid seeing your furrowed brows, or even to see you smile,

i wouldn't mind lying.

i begin to see how long term r/s works.

i begin to understand how it last.

one impt thing i learnt, i cannot voice out everything (good or bad) all the time. ^^

lately so many times i'd managed to swerve away from pissing u off or upsetting u.

so glad!

im beginning to get the hang of it. ^^

chase chase chase

u ask me what i want u to say.

i want u to say..

how much i meant to u.

how much u still love me.

that all i imagined/thought is wrong.

that in your eyes, im still the same girl you knew a year and 2 months ago.

but i know, for the truth is, these are the things you'll never say.

and i know, i had been, and i will always be, the chaser.

i'll be the one going after the one i love,

i'll be the one loving and still believing in the initial pure love that no longer exist.

at least not in the PURE form.

i'll always be the fool. the fool in love. the fool that is so easily manipulated by the ones she love.

i wish you are not manipulating me with the love i have for u.

cos that was what the rest (before you) did.

tell me what to do.

for a moment, you held me so close and so tight, like you were scared of losing me.

and the next moment, you make me feel like you're drawing the line between us.

im lost.

my skin. ugly. puke.

what's wrong.

i search my mind, my soul.

but i cant find the answer.

am i being a kid, in a grown-up body?

what am i doing?

all of a sudden, all that i did seem so unfamiliar to me.

why did i do to my family?

why does everyone seem so distant from me.

did i create that distant in my mind, and through my latest rants, i'd caused this distance literally?

why oh why do i hurt the people i love most?

why do i make them cry no matter what i did?

i walk the streets.

and people were all around me, rushing from place to place.

but somehow i felt that im in a different world/dimension from them.

skin.

mooo mooo

it's call "running away from troubles".

but i want to be that coward.

life cant stop challenging me:

- why should you get married?

- why should you have kids?

- how would you be even able to bring up your kids well?

- how would you be able to manage a good relationship with you mother-in-law (to be)?

- why should you lead the life everyone wants you to have?

- why go with the flow and do this?

i want to be so many things i cant be.

i want to do so many things that i cant do.

and here i am, always doing these empty talk.

ironically, i just wanna shut myself up and say: " since u can bull shit so much here, why not put it to action?"

like i say,

im a coward.